(Announcements: I wanted to let you know that there won't be a post next week -August 15- because I'm taking a week off from the computer in order to go to camp. Yay for camp! Now, the show is about to begin. Please turn off all cellphones and other distracting devices, and put away your cameras, as photography is strictly prohibited. Thank you, and enjoy the show. :) )
Act 1: The Miller Meets the King
Enter KING and MILLER
KING: Hi, I'm a king.
MILLER: Oh yeah? My daughter can spin straw into gold.
KING: Oh yeah? Prove it.
(GIRL gets dragged on by a few guards.)
KING (to GIRL): If you can't do it, you die.
Exeunt
Act 2: Conveniently, a Dude
Scene i: Well, It's Better than Dying
Enter GIRL
GIRL: Crap. I have no idea what I'm doing.
(GIRL starts crying)
Enter RUMPELSTILTSKIN
Enter RUMPELSTILTSKIN
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Hey, I can do that straw into gold thing. What have you got for me?
(GIRL hands him her necklace)
(RUMPELSTILTSKIN takes the necklace, then spins straw into gold)
Exit RUMPELSTILTSKIN, Enter KING
KING (looking at the gold): Do it again!
Exit KING
Scene ii: Of Course, Lies Have This Habit of Getting Bigger
(GIRL starts crying again)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You need more help? What have you got?
(GIRL offers ring)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Cool.
(RUMPELSTILTSKIN takes the ring, then spins straw into gold)
Exit RUMPELSTILTSKIN, Enter KING
KING (looking at the gold): Do it again! And I'll marry you!
Exit KING
Scene iii: No Prob, I Just Want Your Firstborn
Enter RUMPELSTILTSKIN
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Just thought I'd swing by and help out before you started crying again. Got anything to give me?
GIRL: No.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Cool, then I'll just take your first kid.
GIRL: I might not have kids, but... darn. Sure.
(RUMPELSTILTSKIN spins straw into gold)
Exit RUMPELSTILTSKIN, Enter KING
KING (looking at the gold): We shall marry at once!
[censored due to honeymoon]
[censored due to childbirth]
Exeunt
Act 3: Less Conveniently, a Dude
Scene i: Bad Guys Hate it When Women Cry. Really.
Enter GIRL and RUMPELSTILTSKIN
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Pay up.
GIRL: Um. Take all the gold back!
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Um. No.
(GIRL bawls her eyes out)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Oh, crap. Fine. You have three days to guess my name. Or I get your kid.
Exeunt
Scene ii: An Uninspired Attempt at Suspense
(Stagehand carries sign across stage saying: "Two days later". Flips it: "Rumpy: 2, Queen: 0")
Scene iii: Thank Goodness For Random Coincidences
Enter GIRL and MESSENGER
MESSENGER: I saw a dude dancing randomly in the forest and singing that he'd get your kid. And he said his name is Rumpelstiltskin. That doesn't make me curious at all about how he might be connected to you.
Exit MESSENGER, Enter RUMPELSTILTSKIN
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So, what's my name?
GIRL: Jack?
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No.
GIRL: Hank.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No. You're really scraping the barrel, aren't you?
GIRL: Jk, jk, it's Rumpelstiltskin.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Holy crap. YOU'RE IN LEAGUE WITH SATAN!
(RUMPELSTILTSKIN stomps so hard his foot gets stuck. When he tries to pull it out, he rips himself in half)
Exeunt
(Adapter's note: Yeah, I have no idea, either.)
Best. Adaptation. Ever.
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